The weekend I graduated from law school, my mother told me that I had ALS, a neurological disease for which there is no cure. Before then, I had a really easy life. The biggest heartache I experienced was a bad breakup, and for the most part, I was happy. The following year, I moved in with my father to help care for my mother. As there was little we could do, we mainly tried to show her support while slowly losing her.
Less than two years after my mother's death, my father was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma. He successfully completed chemotherapy, but the cancer came back in less than two years. I spent weeks in ICU by his side before finally losing him too. . . My mother's birthday.
Less than three years after my father's death, my daughter Fianna was born. There were many aspects of the pregnancy that scared me, but what scared me the most was that I became a father without my parents. I dreamed that my parents would meet her in the hospital or calm me down after sleepless nights.
But above all, I was afraid that my pain would prevent me from enjoying the happiness of parenthood. Having a daughter without my parents was a stark reminder of their absence from my life. I couldn't help the sadness that came from knowing that Fianna would never meet her maternal grandparents and that they would never meet her.
There is no doubt that the absence of my parents in my life and that of my daughter obscures my parental experience. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want you to meet the beautiful little human being that I call my daughter.
But what I didn't expect is how years of grief and loss have prepared me physically and emotionally to be a father. In the eight years that my parents became ill and died, my life has been eaten up by medical appointments, hospital visits, depression and hopelessness. I was physically and emotionally drained from the hours I spent watching them die and feeling like there was nothing I could do to help.
The first days of motherhood are not easy: breastfeeding, sleeping little, sleeping late, no time to shower. But the many sad years that I lived with my parents allowed me to appreciate the opportunity to see a baby grow up. After many sleepless nights in hospitals, I felt better emotionally and physically prepared for motherhood, and I understood how lucky I was to see my baby grow after years of death. my beloved ones
Parenting is difficult and of course I have many moments of exhaustion and frustration. But losing my parents gave me an idea of how common loss is and how we have to experience all the good times we can.
I would do anything to change the course of history one way or another and have my parents here with me, but instead I take it all. I love Fianna because I know my parents can't.
Image source: Katie C. Reilly
